We all began the semester talking about grades, comparing test scores and associating our future as priests based on the performance we were giving in the classroom. The struggle was real, though, for these first semester postulants and it wasn’t long before I started hearing more resigned comments like, “C is for collar!” By the end of the semester when asked about grades, I heard remarks like, “My grade is ‘I’m done, I finished my finals and that’s good enough.'”
I had to learn a lesson about the competitive grade, over-achievement approach to seminary, which is too often my mojo, early in the semester. I got sick. I’ve never really had bad allergies, but apparently I am allergic to Austin! Bad allergies turned to infection and I was ill for almost a month. On top of that there was a family crisis happening back home that had me very anxious and upset. I’d get up, drag myself to class, come back to the apartment to rest, get up for the next class and repeat. My ability to read, study, and write was limited and I began to panic.
“Go and meet with the spiritual guidance counselor,” my husband encouraged. So, I did. I had reached the stage of fear about my performance being inadequate. I had to measure up, be good enough. She listened to my tales of woe, sprinkled with a lot of coughing, with patience and affirmation. And then she gave me the best bit of advice that I imagine I’ll carry with me throughout my time at the seminary. “You’re here for formation, not academic excellence.” She went on to explain to me that the point of being at seminary is to become a priest, not a know-it-all. No one is going to ask me about my grades. The people I serve will want a priest formed by the Holy Spirit and guided by Jesus, one who is formed in how to search the scriptures and to be molded by them.
“You’re here for formation” changed how I read, how I studied, and how I wrote. It was from a completely different place in myself. I let go of working for that performance grade and allowed myself to sink into what I was reading, reflecting on what I actually thought, and what the Spirit might be saying to me. I could feel the shift happen and I let go of control. I let the texts speak to me and teach me, and didn’t become so preoccupied with impressing my professors. I let myself be insecure, vulnerable, and without answers. I am grateful for her genuine concern and caring advice. The funny thing is, as my grades are coming in, I did well, but it no longer seemed to be the point.
Magdalena's Musings 